Saturday, January 22, 2011

My Story

It occurs to me that in my zeal over starting a blog site, I neglected to really share with readers who I am or how I came to be administrator of Angels Among Us, blossoming blog site. I've reviewed my traffic stats and it seems I have some regular visitors (though I don't know who you are, I thank you for visiting my blog), so I suppose I should offer a little glimpse into how this all came to be.  Though some of you may very well already know my story, here it is again for the visitors who haven't heard...

I grew up in a small northeastern town in Arkansas.  Though I had a happy childhood, I knew from an early age that I never wanted to stay there.  I wasn't sure what would take me or where I would go, but I somehow always knew I would leave.  Though my initial sights were set firmly on Texas, fate had a different plan, and California has since become my new home.  I love it out here, but that wasn't always the case.  My early 20's wreaked havoc on my mental equilibrium, and the results finally showed up in ugly form at the age of 27 - the year I moved to California. Actually, tiny little tremors started happening long before this, but the real damaging earthquakes didn't hit until I was securely past the age of 25. Once in California, life as I knew it became absolutely miserable in the form of severe anxiety and panic attacks, mountain sized hangovers, and a rapidly increasing pile of buried pain.  "What is happening to me?" I often wondered with tears streaming down my cheeks.  I completely lost control in so many areas of life, so I desperately searched for answers.  I began digging into my past for an explanation of how this all started.  It was time to come to grips with any unresolved sources of internal mentally and emotionally devastating events.  Quickly after turning down this path, something in my subconsciousness told me I wouldn't be able to do it alone - so for the first time in my life, I turned to God.

A completely uncomfortable and unfamiliar feeling started to accompany me through each day as I slowly started digging into my past - it was God.  I didn't feel uncomfortable because He made me feel that way; I felt uncomfortable because I loathed myself so much and I wasn't familiar with how He worked. Nevertheless, He was there and I continued to search.  I found a rape, a should have been fatal wreck, over indulgent partying in my youth, and some important truths about my own existence as a person.  In 2007, I had no idea how much my life would be changed, but it did slowly begin to improve.  Four years later, I sit here and write.  God didn't supernaturally deliver me from anything I went through then.  Though that would have been swell, I wouldn't have learned nearly as much had I been led down freedom's easy path.  He allowed me to experience a great deal of suffering, but it is through that suffering that I came to know Him.  He also isn't supernaturally delivering me from anything I endure today.  He is leading me through it though.

I don't suffer anymore in the pits of hell I call anxiety, panic, and hangovers.  My struggles today are substantially less destructive than those of my past, but God doesn't let me forget where I was when I first sought His help.  I know where I've been, and I know where I'm going.  My story is just beginning.

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