The Write Hope
Seeking. Learning. Growing. Changing.
Sunday, October 1, 2017
For Me
Friday, September 1, 2017
It Takes the Rain
Back in January, I was still working in Orange County so the commute
home always took me on the I-57 North, which, if you're familiar with
Southern California freeways, then you know that this one takes you
through some small rolling hills before hitting the I-10. I drove
through these peaks daily, but rarely noticed the beauty they offer
until after a week or so of regular rainfall. Instead, I mostly
grumbled about having to drive in the downpour (pictured below) and sit
in bumper to bumper traffic. I dislike driving in wet conditions as it
is, and most residents of the state will readily admit to being spoiled
by the usually sunny conditions, so when our rainy season hits, people
nearly lose their minds. It's as if we all forget how to drive when
water strikes. Our interstates are jammed packed already without
precipitation, but throw a storm into the mix and it looks like what
L.A. dubbed "Carmageddon" in 2011 when the I-405 temporarily shut down.
Simply put, many of us, while keenly aware of the need for it, don't
like the rain, at least not while driving. On January, 12, however, I
was heading home through the hills after the week of storms had subsided
and I was caught off guard by how beautifully green the landscape
looked as I passed by (see pictures below). It was as if I was seeing
everything for the first time. Had it always looked so colorfully
vibrant and just missed my attention or was there really a difference?
There was just something deeper and richer about the shade of green than
what it had been before the week of storms, and it wasn't long after
that when I realized the sweet parallels in the spiritual realm - To see
clearly, sometimes it takes the rain.
Saturday, July 8, 2017
Choose Wisely
It's okay I felt His Spirit say. After what I had just done, it
seemed incomprehensible that His message to me would be one of
consolation. I had just done the unthinkable, after all. In a single
moment I made the very mistake I had unknowingly been planning to make
all along. The waves of forbidden desire finally emerged from my mind's
shadow and came crashing into the shoreline of my moral compass, or as
Freud would call it, my superego. The gratification and pleasure I
derived from it all slowly faded into a black hole of guilt and shame,
despair and confusion. How could I have let this happen? I
silently and anxiously questioned as I fought back the tears that tried
to fall. I was horrified to have come face to face with the sinfulness
and depth of evil in my own heart. You see, we rarely just make a bad
decision or engage in a particular mistake on the spur of the moment.
Before there's action, there was thought. Contemplation. Consideration.
We entertained the idea of the sin before we acted out the crime.
You didn't just kill that person. A thought occurred before the trigger
was pulled. Even in the most instantaneous and reflexive self-defense
response, the thought preceded the pulled trigger. You didn't just fall
into bed with the attractive co-worker. You first thought it through
and imagined what it would be like. Your nose didn't just accidentally
snort the line of cocaine. Your mind ingested it before your body ever
did. You simply followed the thought trail that led you to it. The
wisdom in Proverbs 4:23
that says "carefully guard your thoughts because they are the source of
true life" is undeniable for it is in our thoughts that sin is first
conceived. In my own scenario, instead of starving those ruminations, I
fed them daily over a period of months. The next step was, inevitably, a
painful one.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Fervent - A Book Review
Fervent – A Book
Review
Broken.
Disheveled. Discouraged. Barely clinging to hope. Those are the words that encapsulate where I
found myself as I picked up Priscilla Shirer’s book, Fervent. I felt broken by
the looming threat of marital dissolution.
Earlier in 2015, my husband and I separated and I found myself
contemplating divorce as the year neared its cyclic close. I looked in the mirror and I was emotionally
and spiritually disheveled from the harsh beating inflicted by gusty winds of
uncertainty and icy storms of confusion.
Discouragement over the future lurked along my horizon and I was barely
clinging to hope. I sat alone in my small, one bedroom apartment and, through
tears, opened the pages of one of the most life changing books I’ve read. Ever.
Immediately, I was incited against the dark forces that had
held me captive for the last year.
Things about myself that I had forgotten began to resurface in my
memories. New words emerged. Called. Equipped.
Armed. Empowered. Only moments into
the pages, a shift began to occur in my thinking and suddenly, I felt a surge
of strength. Of passion. Of purpose.
Of anger. How dare the enemy aim to rob me of not only
my identity in Christ, but also all of those things for which Christ died on my
behalf. To hell with you, devil, became the new message ringing in my ears
as I began to take captive every defeating and disheartening thought that had
occupied my mind prior to opening the Spirit saturated pages of Shirer’s book. As the words took root in my heart, I began
to see that this was no ordinary volume.
It wasn’t written for the sweet child who prays innocently for a piece
of candy after dinner. Neither was it
addressed to the prideful Pharisee type who offers up prayers of gratitude that
he’s not like others. It wasn’t even
written to the one who already has a strong and faithful prayer life. No, it was written to the worn out, desperate
woman who’s on the edge of the seat of despair.
To the one who is about to give up.
To her who is considering quitting. It was written to the defeated, the hopeless,
and discouraged. It was written to me. So if
that’s also you…if you’ve lost your fight, forgotten your position of victory,
or feel your candle is about to burn out, allow me to recommend Priscilla
Shirer’s Fervent. Reading it will
leave you changed. Hungry for victory.
Angry over the enemy’s lies. Fervent in prayer.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Perfectly Imperfect
I am free from the bondage of "can" and "cannot"...I have now entered into a realm of "want" and "do not want".. which makes choosing my Father's will far more desirable than it ever was while shackled in the chains of rules and dogmatic thinking. I understand fully that I don't have to select His plan. After giving it a go on my own, I've discovered that I want to choose His plan. I am no longer bound by the rigidity of absolutes like "must" and "should," nor does the catastrophizing over mistakes of which I'm accustomed suit me any longer. Slips and miscalculations will not end me; instead, they will add beautiful and candescent color to my journey's canvas and will serve to grow me. I am liberated to enter into all of life's activities untamed, wildly curious, and completely free to be me. Mishaps are not only welcome, they are encouraged because from them, I will learn more reasonably who I am and why I'm here. So far, I know well only these things:
1. I am not perfect
2. That's okay.
Next step...
It's Okay
For as long as I can remember, I've been terrified of making mistakes so to rectify the wrong thought patterns I've had towards them, I recently embarked on a journey of embracing them. Ordinarily this would be healthy and beneficial, but what I've found myself doing goes beyond hugging my errors close and looking for growth opportunities within them; it seems I've been purposing to make them. I didn't just decide that I would learn from them if I unknowingly made them; I deliberately and voluntarily put myself in situations where it was inevitable that I would make them. The results? Sleepless nights and irritable bowel syndrome. Don't try this at home.
I'm still working to find my elusive balance and I hope I connect with it soon because the stakes have gotten too high and the internal conflicts are nearly overpowering. In the last few days especially, it has taken all of my energy just to maintain steady breathing. In the wake of my latest and greatest misstep yet, I'm discovering the underlying reasons for my recent risky behavior. It's not that I really want to do the wrong thing...I've simply been testing my Father to find out how He will respond. Will He yell at me? Beat me down with His wrath? Call me names and send me packing down a path of guilt and shame? Even knowing the Bible as well as I do and after walking with Him for the last eight years, I honestly didn't know. All of us develop an image or idea of God that is based on something or someone else in our life and until we get to know God for who He actually is, we perceive Him symbolically through the being of another. Most of us formulate this symbol during childhood, but for others it comes later. Whenever it arrives, the time will invariably follow when it must be dismantled and reconstructed based on the reality of His true nature. Here's what I've learned so far:
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1. He is not mad at me when I mess up
2. I'm going to make mistakes with or without trying to make them. No need for added effort.
3. When I do make a mistake, He responds with it's okay. I love you and you are mine. Call out to me and I will help you work through this.
4. His response feels so odd. But I like it.
5. It really is going to be okay.
Next step...
Sunday, May 31, 2015
A Confession
I have a confession. A deep secret boils in the
caliginous recesses of my mind, and it lures me and torments me
simultaneously. I long to hold it close for the gratification of my
flesh, but I'm even more compelled to let it go in order to protect my
spirit. Never before have I physically felt the war between good and evil
raging the way I do now. In one direction, I hear God gently whisper (I
Kings 19:12) return to me (Joel 2:12) and in the other, a seductive
voice calls out to me from the darkness that is my shadow. Carl Jung
described the allegorical shadow as the "hidden, repressed, for the
most part inferior and guilt-laden personality whose ultimate ramifications
reach back into the realm of our animal ancestors and so comprise the whole
historical aspect of the unconscious...". Until recently, I had
never fully explored mine, at least not intentionally, and as I have begun to
open myself up to its existence, I now know why. For most of my Christian
walk, I've ignored its pull and even denied it, but as Dr. Stephen Diamond said
"The shadow is most destructive, insidious and dangerous when
habitually repressed...". This, I know to be true because once
the restraint has been lifted, sin will undoubtedly ensue. More than once
lately I have been caught in the snare of my own unconscious turned conscious
desires, and like the opening of Pandora's Box, the invitation to the shadow to
become center stage can give full vent to the most gruesome consequences.
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What, then shall we say? Should we continue in ignorance of
the shadow's urges? No, we should know full well what it wants that we may be
prepared to give an answer when the time comes (1 Peter 3:15). To be
clear, the shadow is not to be avoided, but embraced for the purpose of
assimilation or integration. I'm not there yet. I'm still
navigating its depths, trying desperately not to fall completely under.
No matter how badly I misstep, however, and I often do, somehow I know that
Genesis 28:15 is true when God says "I am with you and will watch over
you wherever you go." If that wasn't enough, Isaiah 41:13 says "For
I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do
not fear; I will help you." I'm not getting it right everyday, but
when it's all said and done, Proverbs 19:21 says that "many are the
plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."
This, too, I know to be true and as I continue on this journey of exploration
and deeper self awareness as a therapist, I rest on Exodus 14:14 that says I
need only be still for "the Lord will fight" for me. What
confessions do you have and to what or whom does your shadow cry
out? Don't run from it, engage to understand it and let God help you overcome it. (Romans 8:37).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgKry5VYs74
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