For Me

Have you ever struggled with sin?  Ever found it difficult to stop behaving in a certain way that you knew wasn't good for you? Perhaps you drink too much and want to stop, but find yourself still pouring that glass at the end of the day. Maybe it's a sexual behavior and you're finding pleasure in promiscuity only to have it give way to feelings of guilt and shame when it's over.  Pornography? You want to stop watching, but the strength of what you see pulls you in one more time.  Addicted to stealing? The rush you get is one from which you want to be free, but you haven't been able to break that chain.  We've all got something and from mid-2015 to January of this year when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I  experienced self-inflicted heartache and struggle on an unprecedented level.  Like Jacob, who wrestled with God (Genesis 32:22-32), I regularly fought with God, myself, and others, and like Jonah, who ran from the call of God (Jonah 1:3), I, likewise, fled the Lord's summons.  I stepped deep into pits of my own sin and rebellion, and I watched as my family unit disintegrated under the tumultuous battle between good and evil, righteousness and wickedness.  Recently, however, I have come to realize that despite the chaos and storms raging around and within, even when I am against me, God is still always for me (Romans 8:31).

I haven't been exempt from some of the consequences of various unhealthy decisions that I made over the course of the last two years and chances are you won't be exempt from yours.  God, like a good father who disciplines the child he loves (Hebrews 12:6), allowed me to feel and experience the pain that results from living life apart from Him, and it hurts.  Badly. Yet, despite the sting, I am now cognizant of His amazing mercy and grace, and I know that the wounds He allowed me to self-inflict are nowhere near as deep as they could be.  Isaiah 30:18 says that God "longs to be gracious to us..." and in the depths of my own anguish I was somehow able to still sense it.  He held back and disciplined me only to the extent of my ability to handle it. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 says "we are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed," and for all the mistakes I made in the last two years, I'm still standing.  Some days I don't know how or even why, and as I survey the situation from a clinical perspective, I'm intrigued by the layered process of growth and self-discovery that occurred along the way.

Just as children need to individuate from parents and become their own person, I needed to individuate from God. For me, this resembled a rebellious 16 year old breaking all of mom and dad's rules, but instead of a physical beating or verbal assault that are common responses for many, God poured out mercy and grace and understanding.  More than just that, however, He walked me through my valleys until I understood the radical depths of not only who He is, but also who I am apart from Him and who I am in Him. I repeatedly grieved His heart and He reached down to heal mine (Jeremiah 30:17). In my weakness, I learned about His strength (2 Corinthians 12:9), and in the depths of my sin, I discovered His redemption (Ephesians 1:7).  Perhaps the most striking lesson for me, however, was the one about His grace.  Never during my walk with God had I behaved as badly or sinned as deeply as I did in the last two years, and though I pleaded with Him daily to deliver me and strengthen me and help me, I never dreamed my liberation from bondage would come in the form of a baby for whom I had prayed relentlessly.  Who was this God who saved me by giving me such an undeserved gift?  In my mind I deserved His punishment and wrath, judgment and fury.  How could He look at me and respond with such incredible love?  I didn't understand, but the cycle of my sin was broken through the life of my daughter and the path back to my Father was paved with pebbles of love and grace.  Romans 8:1 says "there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus," and although my sin is what nailed Him to the cross, He showed me countless times that He would do it all over again because even when I'm against me, He is for me, and even when you're against you He is for you too. 

"Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." - Isaiah 1:18

*As a side note, if you're a Christian who has struggled with lingering sin, be prepared to be verbally crucified by the world when you are trying to get back on track with Christ.  The day my daughter was born, an atheist family member proceeded to tell me how evil I was for my mistakes and even went so far as to condemn me to hell for my behavior, but here's what I believe - I trust the Christian who has fallen seven times and gotten back up eight to keep fighting more than I trust the one perfect Christian who has never even been to battle. I have fought the demons of lust and pride and addiction and I know what helplessness against sin feels like.  I understand now, more than ever, what it means to don the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) because I was shot down on the battlefield of demonic attack when I went without it.  I have seen the strength of the devil's hold on me as he attempted to strangle the life out of me, and it's strong.  But here's what else I know - it's not strong enough and all of hell should have worked harder to keep me down, because now I'm up, I'm standing more firm in Christ than ever before, and I'm ready to fight, fully aware that my greatest weapon "is He who is in me... (1 John 4:4)."  I have become wiser from my hardships and discerning from my errors, so while the world would call the Christian who stumbles and falls a hypocrite, I call them real.  I call them warriors.  I call them me.