Monday, January 24, 2011

Dazed and Confused

Do you ever wake up and just feel "off?"  Well, I woke up feeling that way this morning and six hours later, still hadn't managed to feel "on" about anything.  I've been walking around in what felt like a dazed state of lethargy and haven't been able to shake the mental confusion that wont stop following me.  I first wondered whether or not I got enough sleep, but when I did the math I quickly realized that it was more sleep than what I'm used to.  My relationship to coffee has been in an odd place, so maybe it was that?  Though I've not dismissed that possibility, I then remembered the NyQuil I took before bedtime.  I'm still stuffy and congested, so maybe it's just the effects of having a cold and taking cold medicine. Perhaps it was the strange dream I had?  Well, the possibilities continued to swim through my watery mind, and it finally hit me.  It's just one of those days..

"We all have an off day," I told myself.  "I'm just having one."  Well, that isn't entirely true.  Though everyone does indeed have an off day, this particular one for me didn't fit the description.  There was more to it.  I can't even begin to describe in words what has been going on inside of me lately, both emotionally and spiritually.   Physically speaking, not much at all has been happening, but in every other realm, things have been shifting, and today they shifted in a direction I didn't initially like.  Most days in recent months have been spent in a joy filled spiritual high.  I've wanted to be blessed and be a blessing to everyone I encountered.  "Life with God is good," I would smile.  I was finding beauty in everything and everyone and I wanted to sing at the top of my lungs when no one was around - and I did!  I was shakin' and movin' and happy doing it.  Before entering into a relationship with God, I never knew such pure joy could exist; and truthfully, I didn't even know until 2010.   

Well, lately I've not been in that same place, and today I've not been even close to it.  "God, what is wrong with me?" I questioned earlier.  I even started to cry once this morning because I was a little freaked out by how strange I felt.  In recent months I've been so full of energy and suddenly in just the last couple of weeks, I've become quiet and oddly calm (I use the term "oddly" because it is rather odd for me to be calm about anything).  It hasn't been something with which I felt comfortable so I thought there was something wrong.  As it turns out, not every day with God is going to be high energy and top of the lungs singing.  The dazed and confused feeling I've had all day has just been a way for God to get me to slow down and actually come to the realization that it's okay to have days or even weeks where I feel quiet and calm.  If everyday with God were exactly the same, I would undoubtedly get bored.  Do I prefer the upbeat and energy packed days?  Yes, I really do, but I'm learning that there's a freedom and equal amount of peace in the days and weeks when I feel.... not so much dazed and confused, but rather - quiet and calm.  May you all enjoy your "dazed and confused" days for the different kind of beauty they offer!

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