Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Surrender Me

In the last eight months, my life has gone from busy to chaotic to nonsensical, or at least that's how it sometimes feels when I'm trying to juggle the demands between work, school, family, and life in general. I recall several weeks ago a supervisor at work kindly (seriously, he really was quite gentle about it) telling me and a few other Interventionists that he didn't know what else to tell us because "it just has to get done" with regards to one of our daily assignments. Bottom line - do it and leave the excuses at the door.  Around the same time, I sat in one of my classes listening to an instructor speak very similar words.  "I don't know what to tell you, it has to get done." Bottom line?  Do it and leave the excuses at the door.  The problem? I was three dissertation assignments behind, had practicum interviews coming up, a family to tend to, 30 hours of online continuing training for work, meetings to attend, clients to see, and three other classes with equally demanding requirements aside from midterms.  I started trying to calculate how much time I could shave off of my sleep to get it all done, but if you've seen me on less than six hours, you know this was a bad idea and I was already only getting about five and a half.  "How about four, God?  Can we make it on four hours?" I asked God with caffeine bulged eyes one morning.
  "What are you doing?" He asked me.  "I'm doing everything You gave me to do, Lord, but I think You miscalculated how much I could handle at once," I told Him. The miscalculation, however wasn't His; it was mine. While it's true that God gave me the workload, He never intended for me to go it alone, which, for weeks I had been doing just that and didn't even know it.  My own strength began to crumble and not even the supportive shoulders of my husband could hold me up under the weight of endless deadlines, tasks, and demands, so I eventually found myself sitting in our church parking lot crying.  "I can't do all of this, Lord, I don't even know where to begin," I whispered through choked sobs.  "You just began," His Spirit gently responded.  By finally acknowledging my own limitations I was able to receive His limitless grace.  All I had to do was just surrender me.