Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Ripple Well

During the last couple months of 2014 I was feeling like I had lost something.  I noticed it affecting my work and I saw it in my distractions, lack of motivation, and generally fatigued countenance.  For the most part, I was the same as always.  I was upbeat in a group, I smiled at all of my patients and co-workers, and maintained my family life as usual.  I even laughed and went about my daily living as if nothing had happened.  But something did happen.  In early November, my entire world was shaken when I heard the news that one of my mentors was killed.  At 3:00 in the morning, word of her murder brought me to my knees and I could barely breathe.  My mind struggled to process what my eyes read in a message from a friend, and even now, several months later, I find it difficult to think about her.  The almost three month writing gap you see on my site is evidence of an internal struggle I faced in the wake of her death. When she would come to mind, I felt a pain that was unfamiliar and jagged.  My eyes would well with tears and I hurt. A lot. I would squeeze my eyes tightly shut and shake my head from side to side as if to forbid memories of her entry into my thoughts.  On the treadmill once, she refused to be denied access into my mind and I lost my breath and dropped to the ground in tears.  I gave myself those few moments, but something going on outside of me always demanded that I not linger on any emotional devastation.  I had to pull it together and keep going. But now...