On Becoming Atheist

I volunteered at a youth leadership conference recently and as I wrote my reflection paper for class, I closed my eyes and allowed myself to be swept away in the memories from the day.  Because the students in attendance were in middle and high school, my first reaction was to the surprisingly obvious age difference between us.  I felt old.  Though I'm only approaching 34, being married to someone who's nearing 54 makes it easy to feel like I'm still much more of a kid most of the time, which is why I'm sometimes caught off guard by the reality checks into my actual age.  As I watched this particular young group talk, laugh, and carry on as students their age do, I smiled a reminiscent smile while my mind traveled briefly back through time. For a moment I could almost touch the girl of my yesterday as she slammed her locker door shut and ran to class at a small public high school in Walnut Ridge, Arkansas.  I watched her in my mind as she sat with friends laughing in the student center when suddenly, I was jolted back to the present by paper assessments and pens being shoved into my hand by hungry students racing to the breakfast table.  What stood out most about the day, however, was not my age or theirs, but the unexpected turn of events that led me from a role I had planned for weeks in advance to one I wouldn't have even imagined had it not been sprung on me at the last minute.  As I stood outside in the cold receiving my new instructions, I looked up, and in the corner of the building I saw a tall wooden cross that reminded me that God was with me and for me.  The change in plans was only a small part of a bigger picture to accomplish His purposes, so I was faced with the decision to either move forward and trust Him or stop right there and leave Him. 

Tell Me About You

As I drove to class this past weekend, I talked to my mom on the phone about the girls night she and others were going to be having at my grandmother's (or, "Nana," as I call her).  They were going to have games, food, and lots of fun, an evening truly not to be missed, especially in light of her upcoming 90th birthday.  Also in light of her approaching 90th, my mom wanted to make sure she was up for the action and Nana assured her she was when she vowed "if I get too tired, I'll just go to bed." So, it was settled, but we know all too well the truth that rings forth  from Proverbs 19:21 that says: "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.," and Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 that says this: "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die." A man will live only until his appointed time to die, not a day less or more, and no one knew that morning that Nana wouldn't make it to that girls night after all.  Before the day's end, she was rushed to the hospital and never left.  Though her spirit ascended, her sweet, tired body gave out.  Nana's Ecclesiastes 3:2 moment finally came and she died that day.  When I received word from my sister, I sat in class 2,000 miles away, helpless to do anything at all.  So I prayed.  I prayed and fought to stay focused on the lecture, but to no avail.  As I closed my eyes tightly to prevent tears from falling, I could think of nothing besides Nana, and knowing the improbability of being able to fly in for the funeral, I only thought about it all more. The memorial service has come and gone now, but visions of her continue to flood my mind and I've had time to consider what I would say if I saw her today.

Uncomfortably Comfortable

I'm always amazed at how each passing year suddenly becomes the most challenging one yet.  In 2011, for example, I was convinced that my life's lessons on love, forgiveness, and faith couldn't possibly get any harder, but when the calendar pages turned to 2012, I was faced with new emotional hurdles that surpassed every preceding year's trials and tribulations. As I ran along my life's course the last two years, I didn't see certain things coming in either year, yet always knew somewhere in my heart that they eventually would.  Our past has a way of catching up with our present if we don't successfully deal with it at the time, and mine didn't just catch up with me momentarily.  It planted itself right beside my present, masked itself as my future, and generally messed with my head, which created an unprecedented spiritual and emotional turmoil.  Though 2013 has brought equally formidable challenges thus far, they are fortunately in different departments, but the one consistency has been the uncomfortable comfortableness of my own fears, insecurities, and weaknesses.

Show Me the Way

Over the years, I've often teased my 20 year older husband about his taste in music, and one night not long ago when I had to borrow his iPod was no exception.  As I headed out to the fitness room, I playfully poked at what I might hear when I turned it on, never dreaming that what I heard would be the inspiration for what I now write.  As I listened to Styx when they came up in the queue, I found myself not only smiling, but also senselessly singing along - at least until I remembered there were other people in the room.  Most intriguing to me as the words rolled across my tongue was the lyrical parallel to my life as I frequently find myself asking God to show me the way.  I am ever aware of my weaknesses, especially my internal navigation system for the future, which seems to recalculate on every whim.  More than once I've messed things up, gotten ahead of God, and fallen because of it all, but at a time in my walk with Him when I feel strong in my faith and discerning of His voice, I recently found myself feeling dejected over my ceaseless questioning regarding days ahead. It was in this low moment, however, that He gently reminded me that the day I stop asking Him to show me the way is the day I'll actually lose my way.

The Girl at the Door

Twelve years ago in the middle of the night, I found myself regaining consciousness in a Days Inn of Maumelle, Arkansas.  As my eyes dared to open, pain surged through my head and body. I winced as I tried to turn and get up.  I felt like I'd been hit by a truck and I couldn't remember a thing about where I was, who I was with, or how I came to be waking up in this dark hotel room, but within seconds the memories, many of which I wont share, began crashing in.  Though they were still foggy and coming faster than I could process, I was at least aware of the room, myself, and a cloudy recollection of my friends who certainly must be somewhere nearby.  Nothing could have prepared me for the two strange Hispanic men I saw in their place seconds after my vision came into focus.  My friends were nowhere to be seen, and as I struggled to think and move at the same time, I realized I wasn't even fully dressed.  Suddenly, terror began to well within my core as I quickly scrambled to find my clothes, phone, and other personal belongings that accompanied me earlier in the night.  Though my head felt like it weighed a hundred pounds, I quickly dressed and searched for anything that was mine, but found nothing.  As both men began to stand, I spoke the first words through building tears and rising vomit, and asked "who are you?" but received no reply.  Instead, they looked at me and then at each other and I knew I had to get out fast.  As one of the men moved towards the door, I caught a glimpse of the other one moving in behind me as I also moved towards the door, but within seconds I had my hand on the knob and dashed out.  Not knowing where to turn or what to do, I began knocking on every door in a desperate search for my friends, but it wasn't until recently that I actually saw the girl at the door.

And Then I Saw It...

I woke up around 4:15 this morning to an upset eight year old conversing with me as though I'd been awake for hours.  Usually, when he needs something in the middle of the night or early morning before I'm up, he does the normal shoulder tap accompanied by a gentle whisper of "mommy, are you awake?" but this time was different.  He was already in full conversation mode by the time my left eye sluggishly began to open.   "What?" I asked, and then I heard him continuing with "...and I think I threw up..." at which point his little voice began to drift off again.  At this point, I wasn't even sure what was real and what was just a vomit detail of a dream gone gross, but there it was again, this time louder - "and it's on my bed..."  One eye fully open now, I asked him to repeat the problem.  "I threw up and it's in my bed," he loudly responded. Surprisingly, even then, I was still a little confused about what was happening and I wondered how long he had been talking into my nearly deaf ear.  "Did he say he threw up and it's in his bed?" I asked my husband with a few firm pats on the back to make sure he was also awake.  "Huh?" was his barely audible reply.  As the seconds passed, I became increasingly aware of my consciousness and somehow managed to open both eyes.  Coordination absent, I got out of bed and stumbled through the dark hotel room, certain not to miss the shoes left out in the middle of the floor. After I groggily found my way to the bathroom, I gave my eyes a good rub, flipped on the light, and called my son over to me. And then I saw it...

Say My Name

As my 33rd birthday recently came and went, I was uncharacteristically peaceful about the uncertain direction of my future.  Although today I know more about where I'm heading, when I started this entry, I didn't have a clue. I was still in the process of praying and trying to understand what had transpired as my best laid plans came unglued. Even now, I know things can change in an instant, and I leave behind me a trail of incomplete projects, manuscripts, and blueprints, yet I know each article of unfinished business is a piece to my life's greater puzzle and God's holy purpose. All too often over the years I've allowed myself to be swept away with who I am in the eyes of fellow men and women rather than resting in whose I am through Jesus Christ (Gal. 1:10).  As the days go by, however, I'm discovering a new confidence in Him that is increasingly unshakable by my life's unknown future and course.  This steadiness was further cemented by an almost unnoticeable verse in the book of 1 Chronicles.  In chapter four, we are given insight into the family lines of Judah and Simeon, but in verse 38, we're told that "these mentioned by name were leaders in their families, and their father’s house increased greatly." All of a sudden, I was engrossed by the four little words "those mentioned by name," as I wondered who wasn't mentioned at all.  What was so special about those mentioned by name, and at the end of the day who do I want to hear say my name?