I Go On

  I've been going through a certain circumstance lately that I know God is using to change me, strengthen me, and improve me in general, but it is unequivocally the most challenging situation I've ever been in since my walk with Him began and until today, I felt anything but strengthened.  I cried the entire way to work recently because of the situation and in my tears I softly told God that I couldn't do it anymore. Through words I'm not even sure I spoke out loud, I told Him what He already knew - that my very last ounce of strength was gone and I was at the end of my rope.  I felt numb.  My husband called that particular day to check on me and I could hear the emptiness in my own voice as I responded through a blank stare with "I'm fine," but the truth was - I wasn't fine. I have been at a new level of spiritual turmoil unlike any I've ever known and I've been completely beaten down by the task of enduring through the pain (2 Timothy 2) like a good soldier of Jesus Christ (v. 3).  "God, I can't do this anymore. I've got nothing left. Please help me," I softly whispered not long ago.  Though I knew He was there and with me, I felt like I could barely breathe, and the painstaking effort that goes into the daily act of living threatened to suffocate anything left in me.  "I simply can't go on," I thought to myself, but then? I go on. 

I'll Take Izzy

Not long ago, my husband and I had a disagreement on what course of action to take regarding a certain circumstance, and though I petitioned him with my best smile and pleading gaze, his answer to the dilemma was a firm no.  At one point I thought the welling tears in my eyes would change his mind, but to my surprise he stood strong.  I could see that it hurt him to see me hurt and if there was any doubt about that, he removed it when he brought me a sweet card by Emily Matthews.  Alongside her words, he wrote his own that said to see me smile he would give me anything, but for now he just couldn't say yes to what I wanted and hoped I could understand.  "I want us to have a good future" were among the words he wrote, but rather than wrapping myself in the comfort of his stable and tomorrow-based approach in decision making, I felt bitter that he couldn't join me in the excitement of just living for today.  "We may not even be here tomorrow or next week or next year, so why focus on then when we live here in this day?" I responded as a soft trickle of genuine tears fell down my cheeks.  Honestly, I don't know what left me more wounded - the fact that I didn't get what I wanted or that he actually followed through with telling me no.  Doting and giving to a fault, Sam rarely uses that two letter word and actually stands by it against my persistence, so when it became evident that no really meant no,  I became confused and hurt.  However, within just a few minutes of praying about it and reading the words in the card over and over again, God quickly helped me realize that not only was Sam right to tell me no, but he also was right in his approach of looking towards the future.   

City Lights

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This has been an especially trying week, both emotionally and spiritually, but as it nears the weekend, I'm moved to humble gratitude for the trials and tribulations that have been.  On Monday, I called my husband in a borderline hysterical fit of tears over the challenges that arise when flesh battles spirit (Matthew 26:41) and by Tuesday I was even weaker from the fight. "God, I know You wont let me break, but I don't think I have much more bend in me. Please, please, Father, help me," I softly whispered in fatigue.  I was beginning to feel numb as I fought back tears each morning and afternoon, and as Wednesday approached, I honestly didn't know how much more I could take, but suddenly God showed up in radiant form and my peace was restored. As I drove to work yesterday, I marveled at the sweet experience I have each day to watch the city wake up.  It's still dark outside when I leave, so as I inch onto the freeway to take my place in line with my fellow commuters I'm immersed into a steady stream of yellow and red indicators that life is still moving forward, I am precisely where I'm meant to be, and God is still in control.

I Choose Us

I went to Arkansas a couple of weeks ago and as I landed at the Little Rock National Airport, I couldn't wait to see what God had in store for the few short days I would be there.  I wondered if it would feel like home when I got off the plane, and whether or not I would be ready to return to California when the time came. What I found was a conflict so great I didn't know which way to turn, so I prayed and I've never stopped.  I've since discovered that although I thought for a time I was meant to return to Arkansas permanently, I'm not.  California is my home and it's where I'll stay for now, but oh what a journey of discovery with God it has been along the way.  There have been ups, downs, turnarounds, and roundabouts where I made both progress and mistakes, lane changes, and even missed some streets.  I have prayed, cried, and sought the Lord perhaps more fervently than ever before, and as always, He has been faithful to provide resolution, peace, and comfort.  Though I don't have all the answers, I have more of Him than I've had in the past, because with each new experience we go through with God, we grow.  Or, at least we should, but this growth often involves difficult choices.  What choices are you faced with today, and will you choose God?

Go Back

Not long ago, I felt God telling me to "go back" and as I considered to where, specifically, it was He wanted me to go back, I came up with several possibilities.  First, I considered that He wanted me to go back to Arkansas where I was raised and just spend time with my parents. "God, I'll need a few plane tickets for the fam and time off work if you'd like for me to return to my roots," I told Him in playful prayer, excited over the possibility of seeing my family again.  Well, after some more thought (and no plane tickets or time off) I decided that perhaps He wanted me to go back to the church where I was led to the Cross, which was a small Baptist church in Cave City, Arkansas - First Missionary Baptist Church I believe it was called.  It turned out that wasn't what He had in mind either, so finally, it dawned on me that my actual walk, a genuine and reciprocal walk, with Him began in Bakersfield, California. Fortunately, that was a much more doable trip to coordinate since we're only a few hours south of there.  So, we got packed and headed north, and it was there that God spoke life and hope into a future I had been beginning to question.  All I had to do was go back.

Now I See

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After two days without a shower and very little food, I finally came up for air from the ocean of production I dived into at the onset of the weekend.  I didn't even realize where the time had gone, nor did I care.  I was in the zone.  I was a powerhouse of God's Spirit and wisdom as I pulled pieces of my life's puzzle together after weeks of prayer, fasting, and circle making (Read Mark Batterson's The Circle Maker).  Resembling a mad scientist with wild hair and crazy eyes, my life's potion was almost complete, and not even the interruptions of spouse and child could make me stop mixing as God poured the long sought after components in.  Fortunately, I became aware of the time elapsed since I first sat down, so the thought of blood clots forming in my legs (does anyone else think like this or is it just me?) ushered me up for a brisk walk with the family. With each step I felt the surge of passion rise within me as I shared my progress with my husband. God's light was ablaze within my body, spirit, mind, and soul, and I didn't ever want the feeling to end.  The spiritual highs you experience walking with God are indescribably sweet and far more euphoric than any drug induced state, so if you've never met Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, but would like to, feel free to contact me through email or messaging and I'll respond as quickly as I can. In the meantime, I wonder what gets you excited and going each day.  Do you know why you're here and what you're meant to accomplish, or are you stuck without any clear vision of where it is you're meant to go and what it is you're meant to do?  Are you in a job you hate?  A rut along a foggy path?  A time of despair with no signs of hope?  What do you see when you open the windows into your future, and is what you see what God sees?  I assure you, He has an amazing plan for your life (Jeremiah 29:11) so if you haven't discovered it yet, keep looking.  For me, I've known for a long time that God's call on my life involved ministry, counseling, and writing, but how they all three tied together was unclear until recently. Finally, however, through the blood, sweat, and tears of days passed, God brought my vision into focus and where I was once blind, now I see (John 9:25). 

Selfless Ambition

I was utterly helpless to stop the tears from falling once they started, and even though I could feel God telling me to forgive myself as He already had, I just couldn't. I was too overwhelmed by the truth of my selfishness and pride as they lay bare and ugly before me.  How could I have been so unknowlingly self-seeking and destructive?  Worse, how could I have been so prideful about a selflessness that simply didn't exist? These were the questions I asked myself one night some time ago after days of praying for God to reveal me to ...well, me.  "God, if there's anything in my heart that grieves You or for which I need to repent, please show me," is essentially what I asked, and although I already knew to be prepared for what He might reveal, I wasn't prepared at all.  As it turns out, I had been pridefully thinking more highly of myself than I ought in a certain circumstance, and in another I had completely sacrificed the well-being of another for my own misplaced selfish gain.  I was so disappointed in myself in that painful moment of clarity, and hearing God tell me I was forgiven only seemed to make me feel worse.  I continued to softly cry, and although I finally mustered the courage to ask God to help me forgive myself, I was determined not to ever fall into those pits again.  Instead, I decided to live the rest of my life with selfless ambition.