One Breath

I started this entry weeks ago, but couldn't find the words until now.  I knew what I wanted to say but was too overcome with emotion to coherently write it. I sat in front of the computer with hands on the keyboard and tears so full in my eyes that the screen became a blur. My mind raced with how to say what I wanted to say, yet my page remained an antagonistic white glare. I've learned that it's often best to hold my tongue in conflicts or arguments until emotions have passed, and the same seems to ring true for messages delivered with the intent of inspiration. It's not that today finds me without emotion, but it does find me with a deeper trust in God's goodness and sovereignty as He refuses to answer my prayers in the way I would like. The emotions over what I'm about to share still run very deep, yet I somehow seem to have moved further away from the frequently catastrophic effects of them and closer into the arms of a comforting God and Father. The following is how God turned my grief into joy with just one breath.

Tuned In

Two weeks ago today, I was having an overly emotional day and I didn't feel like being around anyone, not even my own family.  I didn't want to talk on the phone, didn't want to have interaction with others, and surprisingly didn't want to go to my women's Bible Study.  Ordinarily, this event is one of the highlights of my week, the mid-week spiritual boost that I eagerly anticipate every Wednesday morning.  However, two Wednesday's ago, because of my fragile emotional state, I was leaning towards staying home.  My son, on the other hand, wanted to go and wouldn't take no for an answer.  "Please, mommy, can we go?" he asked with the most adorable brown eyes and pouty, lip-protruding frown. "Okay, we'll go" I reluctantly gave in.  Well, I usually drive the exact same way to our church, but earlier in the day before I contemplated not going, I had decided that if I went I would take a new route after stopping at the grocery store for snacks.  It would be quicker, so when Ashton convinced me to go, I opted for sticking to that plan and we headed out.  At Albertsons we got the snacks we needed and were headed to the check out when I remembered that I was almost out of cat litter.  As much as I didn't really need it yet, I opted to grab it while I was already there.  "Let's hurry, Ashton, so we're not late," I rushed.  We were on the opposite end of the store, so it would add just a few more minutes onto our already pressed drive time to church.  "I just need to get the cat litter" I reasoned, though at the time I wasn't sure why I didn't just get it later. When I'm running late, it's very uncharacteristic of me to take time for something that isn't absolutely necessary at the time, but that night I did.  So I walked to get it, and in the mere two minutes it took me to walk across the store and grab it, I was spared what looked to be a fatal wreck that occurred on the new church route I was about to take.

Pick Me, Pick Me!

When I first started this blog back in January of this year, I didn't really know the direction it would take.  In fact, it took me a minute of reflection to even recall what prompted its commencement.  I remember now though.  It was a note I posted on my Facebook wall, though the content of said note I don't entirely recall.  From that note and an inner nudging from God, however, a blog site was born.  More than anything I believe I just wanted the opportunity to talk. I knew I had a lot to say and that God wanted me to write, so I figured I would leave the subject details and formatting up to Him.  I've looked through some of my earlier posts and I'm amazed by how much the entries have changed.  I began writing with a cautionary memo to readers -"Beware, God will likely be at the heart of most, if not all, posts written," and I think in that warning I was trying to ease those who know me into an awareness of my growing love for God.  Have you seen how people react when you open your heart to God? See paragraph four for some of the reactions I got.  Now, on the other hand, the posts are clearly written in, for, and about Him. The cautionary memo seems to have faded away. So why the initial warning?  It's not that I've been a closet Christian, but in many ways, recent years have found me restrained and reserved around those who have known me for a long time, and truthfully, around absolutely everyone whether they've known me or not.  I think the formation of this blog was God's way of helping not only those who may happen to read it, but also me as I write in it.  What I've since found is that instead of saying "Aww, God, don't make me say it," I'm now eagerly thrusting my hand in the air and yelling "Pick me, pick me!"

Life Choices

I've been feeling relatively uninspired over the last couple of days, so I asked God to give me inspiration.  What I got was a really rough day, or so I thought.  I woke up yesterday morning to the smell of uncovered cat litter, coffee that didn't turn on, and my newest cuddly friend, Simba, chewing on my finger.  "Good morning to You, too, Father," I said still half asleep. I had a lot to get done yesterday, but the day's biggest events were Ashton's first Cub Scouts pack meeting at 6:00 and the commencement of the women's Bible Study at my church at 6:30.  Because we only have one car and I wasn't willing to miss the first night of this season's study, Sam and I agreed over a week ago that I would drop him and Ashton off for the pack meeting at 6:00, drive from there to my Bible Study which was in different city, and then be back in time to pick them up around 8:00. It would be tight, but as long as we left on time it could be done. For days I had been reminding my nortoriously late husband that he needed to wrap up his work in time to be home by at least 5:30.  "I'll be there," he reassured me in a tone that sounded suspiciously exasperated.  "You have to be on time," I said again in my most threatening voice. Without even having to say it, I knew "or else" was emanating from my stern expression.  He and I both knew that I would make him pay if he was late, or God forbid made me miss my Bible Study.  How "Christian" of me, right?  Well, he was late...

Objects in the Rear View Mirror

Around early June of this year I began struggling with my faith in new and unfamiliar ways.  As my posts from that time and thereafter reflect, I was caught in the middle of feelings and emotions that I hadn't before experienced, at least not since I've been walking with God.  Now into September, I've not only come through the challenges of the past few months, but I've also realized that the problem facing me was never my circumstances; it was me.  Like a moth to a flame, I was drawn to a place inside of my mind and heart where I was never meant to go or stay - my past.  Unable to break free from chains I didn't even know were still holding me back, I momentarily gave in to the seductive luring of memories that swept through my mind. Though my physical body never left home, my heart was a fleeting captive to the images and objects in my own rear view mirror.

Jasmine Abigail

I walked out of Chile's this afternoon completely stuffed and ready for a carb-overload induced nap.  "What a waste," I thought as I reflected on the quesadilla I regretfully ordered.  On my quest to live adventurously, I ordered something from their menu I wouldn't normally order.  Why not, right? Well, I didn't like it.  It's not that it tasted badly, it just didn't offer the flavor packed, mouth watering sensation that the burger on my husband's plate across the table had.  Though it crossed my mind to switch plates with him when he wasn't looking, I realized that would be futile and I ate my own food.  When we finished, I had nothing more in mind than coming home and curling up on the couch with Ashton to watch a movie.  However, since I passed "Jasmine" street on the drive home, my mind has traveled elsewhere.  Have you ever found yourself in a moment where you're significantly impacted by something so seemingly trivial? Like a street sign? Maybe you once loved someone named Anita, but for ten years have been happily married to someone else.  One day you're driving home from work but with the commencement of new road construction you find yourself on a detour into a neighborhood you've never previously been.  As you flip through the radio stations barely paying attention to your surroundings, you're brought to a four way stop.  While you drum your fingers on the steering wheel to the latest new pop hit, you look up to see you're crossing over "Anita" street.  In an instant, you're taken back in time to a place where only you and Anita existed.  Has anything like this ever happened to you?

I Will Color With You

"Mama, do you want to color with me?" Beverly's son eagerly asked late Monday afternoon as he stood patiently in the doorway.  Without even turning her head, she replied with "not right now, Cooper, mommy is busy." "But mama, you said..." "Cooper, not now," she firmly interrupted.  "I'm busy, so go watch TV or play with your toys until I'm finished." Without a word, he bowed his head and walked slowly out of the room. She never even looked at him, but instead remained intently fixed on the computer screen in front of her.  "So many interruptions," she sighed in frustration. In the other room, her six year old son turned on the TV and silently began to watch cartoons for the fifth time that day.  After about 30 minutes, Cooper decided to see if his mommy was ready to color.  From the living room, he shouted "Mama?" "Cooper, what did I tell you? Not now!" Beverly yelled angrily across the house. "Sorry, mama," he softly replied.  Lonely, frustrated, and bored, Cooper decided to go outside and look for flowers to pick for his mommy.  She never heard the door open and close, and as the stranger muffled Cooper's mouth and dragged him away, his mother sat before her pile of work still focused on tomorrow's deadline.